This week on Bachelor in Paradise, Josh ate more pizza, Vinny got dumped by a lamp and Daniel made a connection with one of the twin’s butts. The wise Ashley I summed it up as ”This is what romance novels are made of.”

But seriously, this show is pure genius, and I’ve figure out its secret weapon: Ashley. Freakin’. I.

I’m not saying I don’t thoroughly enjoy watching Lace pull a Lace and sabotage her relationship with Grant. Or seeing Izzy literally pick a lamp instead of a future with Vinny. #RIPVizzy (And TBH I think it’s for the best because Vizzy sounds like a failed couple seltzer brand waiting to happen — think Marcus and Lacy’s perfume ‘I Do’ — and frankly I’d rather Vinny keep his 15-minutes of fame by snapchatting his heartbreak and lamp PTSD during trips to Ikea and Bed Bath and Beyond instead of promoting his “relationship.”) Seriously, there’s only so much “love” I can take, and Ashley I’s tears make Paradise go round. (Although the twins vocabulary lessons are definitely the cherry on top of the high ratings. #Vulnerable #IsButterACarb).

Ashley I is the perfect combination of Blair Waldorf (the headpieces and the manipulation), Summer Roberts (the humor) and Kim Kardashian (the determination and contour). Homegirl didn’t even get a rose this week and she still had three hours on ABC dedicated to her “journey to find mascara love in paradise.” Life. Goals.

This week’s our BIP MVP’s mission was to convince Jared to breakup with his Pantene commercial. She did it through prayer:

“Dear God, please help me knock some sense into Jared. He’s only known Caila for two days, and he’s messing with my chance to promote SugarBear hair vitamins! find love!”

And persistency:

“Are you sure you don’t want to be with me? Blink once in the next two hours if you think I still have a chance.”

When Brett asked Caila on a date (after a nudge from Queen B herself), Ashley I’s direct messages to the man upstairs were answered and she knew she was going to be able to make her move. Until Caila decided not to go. But then Caila decided to go again. Oh, wait now she’s staying. Just kidding. She’s excited to go. Now she’s excited to stay. (Imagine if Caila ended up as The Bachelorette… every rose ceremony would end with “to be continued once Caila learns how to make decisions.” Imagine trying to order Chinese takeout with this chick. ‘Lo Mein. JK, fried rice. No, chicken with broccoli. No, chicken with string beans!’).

*597248952 minutes later*

Caila’s out of the picture for the afternoon with Zach Morris (I can’t be the only one who thinks Brett’s shirt belongs at The Max), Twin #2 and KevinBradRobert Carl, so Ashley can hang out with Jared and stimulate his brain. Add scholar (Summer did get into Brown on The OC) to the list.

Unfortunately it didn’t work (I think there might be something wrong with Jared and his lack of ability to be manipulated), so our girl had to resort back to good old fashion gossip. (The only thing Ashley I could learn from anyone on this show is Evan —  yes, I went there — because faking an injury is the key to someone’s heart in Mexico. Corny Collins would totes ditch his awkward makeouts with Miss Hairspray to wrap her ankle in a bedazzled ace-bandage.)

It’s only a matter of time before Ashley I takes a cue from B. Waldorf’s playbook and enlists the twins to replace Caila’s teeth whitening with krazy glue or shave her eyebrows in the middle of the night.

Dispute Ashley I’s best efforts — I’m shocked Janner didn’t take her threats to “literally murder herself” seriously  —  the princess is still without her prince. (Sidenote how much did you miss Tanner? I can’t decide if I loved “Carly’s trying really hard to like Evan” or when he ignored Josh’s bribe more). But as we all know, all is fair in love, tequila, crabs and Paradise, so I wouldn’t count her out just yet.

Finally, let’s all take a moment to consider what would happen if Ashley’s tears and Josh’s moans were remixed. DJ James Kennedy would have a field day with that “sick beat.”

Oh. My. Effing. God.

Michelle Collins and Sean Lowe (has anyone checked on Chris Harrison? I’m worried about the dude) announced that Nick Viall (NICK. FREAKING. VIALL.) is the new Bachelor. That’s right, folks. It’s three for you Nick V, you go Nick V! And none for Luke and Chase, bye!

It’s safe to say ABC shocked us all and here’s how the (emotional) announcement went down:

1. Luke from JoJo’s season is definitely going to be the next Bachelor.

2. Wait. That doesn’t look like Luke’s hair.

3. OMG. Is that who I think it is?

4. It’s. Nick. V.

5. Is this a joke again? (Remember last year before Bach Ben was announced they pretended it was Nick for a hot sec? #NeverForget).

6. They’re interviewing him! It’s not a joke!

7. Wow.

8. Take that, Josh Murray! I hope you’re binge eating DiGiorno right now.

9. This is great.

10. Wait, do I even like Nick?

11. What does Andi Dorfman think of this? Or Kaitlyn Bristowe?

12. I hope none of his future contestants read Andi’s book.

13. Wait, I hope they do…

14. Nick was kind of creepy on Bachelorette appearance 1 and 2…

15. But he was charming and likable on Bachelor in Paradise.

16. And he looks like this.

No scarves, no bracelets, no shirt. 2 days till things get aggressive in Paradise!! #paradise #bachelorinparadise : @abe.bermudez

A photo posted by Nick Viall (@nickviall) on Jul 31, 2016 at 4:58pm PDT

17. I’m still so shocked.

18. And relieved that Chase (sorry, homeboy couldn’t form a complete sentence) or Luke (I don’t need another Prince Farming) aren’t the new Bachelor.

19. Imagine the crazies who will sign up to date Nick.

20. And the possibility that he will be dumped. Again. For the fourth time (assuming Jen is lucky number 3).

21. This is going to be great TV.

Good luck, Nick V! I have a feeling you’re going to need it. Cheers!

While Americans around the country are preoccupied with “politicians” and killer clowns, I am here to change the narrative and ask the hard hitting questions that we NEED answers to. I’m going where Anderson Cooper is too scared to go. For example, why is DJ James Kennedy crying in the new Vanderpump Rules trailer? Did he find copies of Pump Sessions in the dumpster in SUR’s back alley? Or did he just see Lala’s plastic surgery reveal? Let’s investigate all things reality TV from bravolebrities to Bachelor Nation and more.

1. The cast of Vanderpump Rules cutting out James and Lala in the cast picture on Instagram: savage or pathetic?

When the new promo for Season 5 of Vanderpump Rules dropped (premiering on my 22nd birthday because #blessed) last week, new cast photos followed. Due to the fact that half of this cast has slept with each other and as a result cannot stand each other, it was a pure joy to see all of them photographed in one epic photo. However when Kristen, Jax and Katie took to Instagram to post the promo pic, they cut out DJ James Kennedy and Lala Kent. While I cannot say I am Team Lala or DJ James (he thinks he’s the white Kanye West, I think he’s the Devil), I can’t help but wonder if the crop was epic or just sad. These two SUR employees give Pump Rules an extra dose of drama and ratchetness, and on a reality show, those things are invaluable. I think it’s time for a Lisa Vanderpump staff meeting that reminds her staff “if you don’t have anything nice to say, post it on Instagram don’t say anything at all.”

2. Kelly Dodd: a Housewife superstar or a psycho?

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. From causing absolute chaos in Ireland by acting like a 6-year-old pulling the “is there something on your shirt?” joke to fat-shaming a fan on Instagram, I have so many feelings about Orange County’s latest housewife. Part of me is fascinated by Mrs. Dodd and her “marriage” (quotes because they were separated for two years and engaged to other people) to Michael and her ability to turn a pleasant sushi dinner into War World III. However, I think Kelly may have gone too far. It’s almost (I’m not ready to totally commit to this yet) not fun to watch her frequently diss each of her cast members where it hurts the most (Tamra and her daughter, Shannon and her husband, Heather and her finances). I will be forever grateful for Mrs. Roper-Gate, but attacking fans on social media and calling them fat pigs is tasteful on any network (except for maybe WeTV).

3.#KillAllCancer: charity or scam?

One of Kelly’s only allies is Miss Victoria L Gunvalson, and an attempt to save her reputation and friendships after the whole “Brooks lied about having cancer thing,” she has partnered with Kill All Cancer, which is a “charity” that helps cancer patients with insurance. However, unsurprisingly, it is reportedly a scam. I have tried to do my best Veronica Mars (or more appropriately Meghan King Edmonds) and investigate this situation, but killallcancer.com is no longer active and I cannot find that RIVETING commercial that Vicki filmed anywhere.

4. Vicki and Sonja: The ultimate WWHL guests or trainwrecks?

Speaking of Vicki, our OC queen was on Watch What Happens With Live with the incomparable Sonja Morgan this week. The pair DELIVERED and even gave us some insight into the infamous RHONY side character Rey. LuAnn’s mysterious ex-boyfriend who she went “only went on a few dates to like Ibiza with” (pre-TOM of course) actually hit on Vicki when the pair was out in New York last year. Paul Nassif (of Botched and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame) was also in attendance and debatably slept with Sonja. If all of this doesn’t scream it’s time for a Real Housewives All Star season where we leave them on Scary Island, what does?

5. Pinot Grigio v Chardonnay: Who won the WWHL debate?

Another WWHL highlight this month was one Ramona Singer debating Amy Schumer, and move over Clinton and Trump, because Singer and Schumer talked about a real issue: Pinot Grigio vs Chardonnay. Singer, famous for her  obsession with Pinot Grigio, came prepared for the debate dropping facts like “Chardonnay looks like piss” and “there’s no turtle time without Pinot.” Schumer fought back with digs like “I love Chardonnay so much that I just drank it through a straw instead of preparing for this debate.”  One thing the duo could both agree on? They would rather be drinking than doing anything else.

6. The woman in the grocery store on Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After?: Staged or real?

Oh, Bach Ben. I can’t go as far as to say I missed you, but I will admit seeing you back on my TV warmed my cold heart. However, in the first five minutes of your spinoff show (HOW HOW HOW is it possible that this pair is the first Bachelor couple to land a spinoff?! I DO NOT KNOW) I was reminded that you are the kind of guy who thinks it’s funny to play with a shopping cart and BUY it when you accidentally break it instead of walking away slowly. Speaking of the grocery store aka where half of your show took place, I do not believe for a SECOND that the woman who casually asked you about JoJo and then had approximately six followup questions about you feelings was not paid by production to do so. Am I angry that the show appears staged? Absolutely not. Am I angry that I did not find a way to be the girl in the store to harass you about JoJo? Yes. Did this make me turn it off to watch the endless amounts of shows on my DVR? Of course not.

7. Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After (QUESTION MARK!): worth watching or nah?

Yes, I kept watching this “reality show” because I ain’t no quitter. It’s not a huge shock that Freeform’s idea of drama is the Twins and Lauren trying to install a toilet before Ben gets home and Lauren switching the Oreo cream for toothpaste. All this being said, the time jump from JoJo’s After The Final Rose back to the debate on whether or not to attend (a little sketchy that Bach Ben is so edger to go back to a Bachelor set, eh?) while unnecessary, was a good hook. And the preview for the rest of the season? Beautiful. Drunk Lace confronting Chad in the middle of the woods? Farmer Chris STILL eating up his fifteen minutes of fame? And most of all, Bach Ben threatening to cancel the wedding (LIVE ON ABC!) at their engagement photoshoot? There are no words besides: DVR. Season. Pass.

8. Brielle Biermann: Too Far Gone?

One party that viewers have not been tardy to this season is the bashing Brielle Biermann party. The oldest child of Kim Zolciak Biermann is under fire for her drastic new appearance… Think Kylie Jenner, but somehow trashier and without the million dollar makeup line. Understandably, Kim Is NOT ok with haters attacking her 19-year-old daughter, but I want to go a step farther and suggest that Brielle’s bigger problem is she does not know the difference between a crab cake and carrot cake. While Brielle will certainly not be the last reality tv star to put filers in her face, she might be the first to not know how to count as high as her plastic surgery bill.

9. Farrah’s new frozen yogurt company: WTF?

A sex tape, a line of sex toys and a… froyo place? Teen Mom OG’s Farrah has picked her latest business venture and it includes wearing themed Kanye West style sunglasses while hiring people to scoop frozen yogurt toppings. She not only gave the interviews in her “Froco” glasses, but she DROVE home in them. I don’t know what is harder to believe: that Farrah’s dad does not know the difference between a fridge or a freezer or that this froyo place does not have a Farrah themed sex shop in the back.

10. Kathryn: Not returning to Southern Charm or trying to get attention on social media?

I’ve said it once and I will say it again (and again and AGAIN): Kathryn Calhoun Dennis is a GIFT. There are rumors all over the internet that our favorite redhead is NOT coming back to Southern Charm for season four. T-Kath (can we make that thing?) even tweeted about not filming the show, but has since deleted the tweet giving us all hope. This show would be nothing without Kathryn yelling at T-Rav every other scene and repeatedly telling everyone else they “don’t know her! I’m hoping our girl was just trying to get more money and attention by threatening not to film… I’ll pray to the Bravo Gods. “Dear Andy Cohen, it would be cruel to give us such an epic “character” and then take her away. It’s as easy as the birds and the bees and the 1-2-3’s to get Kathryn to film.”

11. Is Keeping Up With The Kardashians ever going to return? 

First things first, I’m team Kimmy. I want Kim Kardashian West to take all of the time she needs to recover from her traumatizing robbery. However, I need to know that as someone who has dedicated YEARS of my life to watching this family that I will get answers and I will get them on E!. KUWTK has postponed filming indefinitely, and this worries me because I don’t want to miss anything. I want to see every lip kit launch, every Kourtney diet change, every Corey Gamble mumble and most importantly, hear Kim’s side of the story (and TBH see North and Penelope grow up).

It’s a great tradition for reality TV shows to go camping. Think Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, The Kardashians and that time Stephen Colletti scared KCav by pretending to be a bear on Laguna Beach. And after we were scarred from seeing Bach Ben in bright pink tights, we got another camping trip for the ages. Here’s my thoughts on Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After? (the question mark is v important)’s third episode:

1. The twins idea of camping is actually wearing their flannels instead of putting them around their waists to accessorize and to “use the poles for the tent as a stripper pole” (direct quote).

2. How are Lace and Grant still together?

3. WHY do they call After The Final Rose, “ATF?”

4. There is no way Lauren was “in tears” after she met Chad at “ATF” because he was a “good person inside.” No. Way.

5. Is Grant more upset that Chad hooked up with his ex or verbally assaulted his current fiancé in a hot tub?

6. Lace teaching the twins how to pee outside is Emmy worthy.

7. The producers planted the bear on the camp site, right?

8. “I’m a boy, I do crazy stuff. I’m wild!” K, Bach Ben.

9. If the twins live in Vegas, how have they been on every episode if the show shoots in Denver?

10. There’s an 100% chance that Farmer Chris hooks up with one (or both) of the twins, right?

11. Has Lace ever gone a day without crying?

12. “I was just trying to make people laugh.” And we love you for it, Chad.

13. “If you don’t want this moment, we will go buy you a bottle of whatever you want at the hotel.” Bach Ben is low key enabling Chad.

14. WHY DOES BEN KEEP TALKING ABOUT CHAD’S “MOMENT?” And why isn’t “A Moment Like This” by Kelly Clarkson playing?

15. I love that the producers “put the cameras down” when Ben asked them too but still used the footage. #YoureNotAProducerBen

16. This show just got too real by bringing up Chad’s mom. Way to be a buzzkill, Grant.

17. Did “Grace” really not know Chad was coming?

18. Wasted opportunity to send Chad to bed early without even showing him eat meat or protein once.

19. Ben’s toast to “hope, acceptance and love for the people that have hurt us” makes me want to vomit.

20. Seventeen messages from Ben and Lauren’s Bachelor producer/wedding planner after the camping trip? #StageFiveClinger.

There’s only 62 days until The Bachelor is back in our lives (that’s right, we get to start our New Year off on the right foot by drinking absurd amounts of red wine and rank women based on their dresses and ability to hide their drunkenness) and the first promotional picture of our new leading man, Nick V, has arrived.

ABC went with the obvious “Fourth times the charm,” tagline for Nick (#Bachelorette10, #Bachelorette11, #BIP3 #WORLDDOMINATION), but I think they could do better. Think “Prince Farming” for Chris Soules and “Juan-uary” for Juan Pablo. Here are my suggestions for Nick’s Bachelor slogan:

(PSA: I actually think Nick will be entertaining AF, but this was just too easy).

1. Sorry, Jen.

2. He like selfies, long walks on the beach in Paradise and gossiping about Josh Murray.

3. Help me help you promote SugarBearHair gummies.

4. There’s a 99% chance he’s going to sleep with half of you… before the fantasy suite.

5. Who wears short shorts? Nick V wears short shorts!

6. Nick V: He’ll make you feel like a woman. (He has references).

“He gave me passion and that womanly experience.” – Andi Dorfman

“He makes me feel like a woman — a desired woman.” – Kaitlyn Bristowe

7. It’s his turn to give out the roses… but somehow he’ll still probably get rejected.

8. Pick Nick! And get 12084 new siblings.

9. We hope you forgive us for not picking Luke.

10. Real men cry… just ask Nick V.

11. At least he’s not Chad.

12. Don’t judge a man until you see his Instagram.