I had a long discussion with one of my childhood friends about New Year’s resolutions, and we came to one conclusion. 2016 is going to be the year of #OwnIt. It sounds simple, but it’s honestly about self-respect. Make decisions that YOU feel comfortable with, that YOU think are important and that YOU are passionate about. If other people judge you or disagree with you, walk away and remember that it’s YOUR life. Own it. Own the mistakes, mishaps and failures. But also own the triumphs, the compliments and your accomplishments. Own how serious or how superficial you want to live your life. Own it like the queen Blair Waldorf would.

Own being single.

Own your feelings.

Or own the fact that you’re ignoring them.

Own the nights when you have a lot of fun.

Own your drive.

Own it when you’re being a birthday princess.

Own it when you’re losing.

Own your… quirks.

Own it when you’re right.

And own it when you’re wrong.

Own your cheat days. Or weeks.

Own your drunk text messages instead of regretting them.

Own your destiny.

Own your self-worth.

Own the decision to wear leggings as pants.

Own your bad days.

Own being ridiculous.

Own being a badass.

And most importantly, own who you are.

#OwnIt.

Happy Award Season! The Golden Globes are like the first round of the playoffs (and include the wildcard teams AKA the TV stars), and last night they created fashion moments, hilarious gifs and totally forgettable acceptance speeches. Let’s get to it…

Red Carpet

First things first, Giuliana Rancic is a cool mom.

And also looked better than new E! host Maria Menounos (in my totally unbiased opinion… I mean that braid is so wannabe LC during season 3 of The Hills).

Amy Schumer danced like a white suburban mom at a bar mitzvah and talked about her vagina itching. #ShesJustBeingAmy

Taraji P Henson worked the red carpet like she was just discovered by one of those “modeling agencies” at the mall.

Katy Perry channeled her inner Snooki and wore a BumpIt… Do you think she’s drawing inspiration from Jersey Shore reruns for her new album?

Eddie Redmayne started the party early and looked like a white girl who just finished a juice cleanse.

Jennifer Lawrence fangirled over Matt Damon (who is aging v well) and once again proved that stars are #justlikeus.

Jenna Dewan Tatum looked gorgeous and walked the carpet with someone who is definitely not her super hot husband Channing Tatum because he would never ruin his hair like that.

It was awkward when Jamie Lee Curtis rocked gray hair better and looked hotter than her daughter.

JLo did the impossible and made looking like a mustard bottle hot.

Jennifer Lawrence, Brie Larson, Gina Rodriguez, Kate Hudson and Kate Winslet were my best dressed.

Show time

Host Ricky Gervais came out swinging with jokes about Caitlyn Jenner, women in Hollywood and Roman Polanski, and he did it all with a beer in his hand. My personal favorite was his dig at Ben Affleck because Matt Damon had a priceless reaction.

Jonah Hill showed up as the bear from The Revenant and put the plastic baby in American Snipper to shame.

Kate finally made room for Leo on that piece of ice and the pair both took home Globes in their categories. #Swoon

Taraji channeled her inner Cookie when she passed out cookies and sassed out NBC for trying to make her wrap up.

Cate Blanchett looked like me on Christmas when I opened a gift I didn’t like but tried to pretend I did.

And Denzel looked bored AF.

Mozart in the Jungle won best TV comedy, and I’m sure Mozart was v proud.

Jamie Alexander forgot half of her dress and could not believe the words in front of her… so she was basically a drunk college girl texting her ex-boyfriend on your average Saturday night out.

The world realized it was coming to an end when Spy was nominated for multiple Golden Globes.

Eva Longoria and America Ferrera were badass and funny when they pointed out how NBC (and unfortunately many other people and media outlets) confused Latina actresses.

JLaw and AShu made it clear that they would be wonderful hosts for 2017. (Sidenote: I love Amy, but I cannot not acknowledge the fact that a movie Lebron James and John Cena were in was nominated for a serious award).

Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt switched facial hair and the world is better for it.

Lady Gaga looked beautiful, but Leo was still scared of her. He probably saw her V Magazine cover.

Denzel’s wife was the real MVP.

Tobey Maguire showed up and I (along with the rest of the world, I assume) prayed for a Spiderman/ Mary Jane reunion.

Every time a Six Chick wins a Golden Globe, an angel gets its wings. (Also shoutout to Ashley Benson for supporting her fellow Jenna Rink hater).

It’s been so long since Leo won an award that he forgot that the music means you are supposed to stop talking.

Afterparty

Zendaya was all of us.

Bridget and Uncle CJ had an 8 Simple Rules reunion.

Kourtney Kardashian and JLo compared notes on what it was like to date younger men. (Casper Smart enjoyed the convo and asked Kourt to double date with the Biebs).

Orlando Bloom clearly has a thing for BumpIts and flirted with KP.

Mellie and President Fitz worked the cameras at the HBO Party and hopefully landed a Scandal spinoff.

Ian Somerhalder, who is known for being charitable, helped out Malin Akerman because he understands that food is always the answer.

Time to buy more champagne and pregame until the SAGs. Right, JLaw?

Ben and his new girlfriends are back, and they are not disappointing. FYI, I’m currently in 1st in one Bachelor fantasy league and 2nd in another. I also confessed my reality TV obsession to one of my new classes, and after being #judged, multiple people (including two guys) asked me about my frontrunner and when Lace would be eliminated.

“Cheers, ladies! Thanks to Ben potentially being interested in us, the producers thinking they can use us and the diversity quota, we have a shot at more Instagram followers!-” the remaining 22 women.

Token shirtless scene. Drink.

Group Date 1: Back To School

To remind the girls that Ben peaked in high school, Chris Harrison put on an ugly sweater vest and glasses and called himself Professor (because apparently in Indiana professors teach high school) and the cast headed to a high school set that looked like West Beverly and Bayside put together.

There was a science challenge, which reminded us that there is no way any of these girls passed chemistry and a bobbing for apples challenge that reminded us Ben is definitely here for the right reasons.

“I love seeing all of these girls really go for it… and watching them basically makeout to pass each other apples is showing me my future wife is def here.” -Ben

“These apples are red like my heart.” – actual quote by Ben and might be the only thing he’s said that ABC did not write for him.

Breaking news: none of the girls know where Indiana is on a map and Becca put it upside down. These girls are not the brainiacs we thought they were. Gasp!

“I’ve never been Homecoming Queen and I’ve always wanted to be.” – 30 year old Amber who has been out of high school for 12 years. Some dreams you just have to let go of, Ambs.

Mandi: The Human Rose took the Queen title and Amber looks heartbroken. Ben doesn’t care and is inviting all of girls to keep hanging out with him even though Mandi won.

Becca steals him away first and they have a real connection. “Becca is so sweet and nice and totally boring AF.” – Ben

No surprise that Becca does not go for the first kiss, but plot twist when small business owner Jennifer scores it.

“I’m sorry I’m so crazy, but I’m also sorry I’m not sorry because I am myself.” – Lace.

“How many weeks do I have to keep this chick?” – Ben thinks to himself while losing circulation in his hand because of Lace’s death grip.

Jubilee and Ben share a kiss, but it’s JoJo that catches this Bachelor’s eye.

“I really liked your attitude today.” – Ben says like he’s JoJo’s dad or basketball coach before they share a kiss on the rooftop. JoJo gets the group date rose, obvs.

Back at the mansion, Olivia’s jaw drops (and does not come back up) when Caila gets the first one-on-one date. Clearly girlfriend has never watched this show and doesn’t understand that her first impression rose only lasts a week.

One-On-One Date: Caila, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube

“Let’s see how many times I can say ride along to promote my new movie and see if I can get Ben laid.” – Kevin Hart

“Let’s buy condoms.” – Ice Cube

The most bizarre group of 4 go on a ride along (see what I did there… cue Ride Along 2 commercial) and Caila asks Ben hard hitting questions.

“What’s your favorite color? I like yellow.” “I like blue.” Actual conversation between Caila and Ben. #TrueLove

“I was waiting for my heart to catch up to my head.” – Caila talking about the boyfriend she dumped after she saw Ben on TV. She could not believe she met him on a plane and somehow things a reality show is more reasonable. #K

Token performance by an artist the Bachelor claims to love but definitely never listens to. Drink.

Token “I’m falling in love with Bachelor even though we’ve known each other for an hour.” Drink.

Group Date 2: Love Technologies AKA A Fake Doctor Making The Girls Feel Smelly  

“We don’t know much about science. Or anything really.” – The twins who have their occupation listed as twins.

After a quick eye test to see if the girls think Sean Lowe or Ben is hotter, the “doctors” make the girls run on a treadmill and have Ben smell them. This is low key disgusting and degrading. Pat yourself on the back, Bach producers.

“She smells like flowers.She smells like flowers. She smells like sunshine. And she smells like spoiled milk.” #PoorSamantha

Breaking news: Shushanna speaks English!

“I’m incredibly confident in our relationship. Call me Mrs. Higgins.” – usually something I would make up that the delusional frontrunner would say, but something Olivia actually said.

Ben is clearly taking these “tests” the “doctors” ran very seriously and invites Olivia, who got the “highest score,” to hang out with him first. She’s getting cocky AF.

Why is Ben wearing a sweatshirt and a blazer? Did his mom the producers leave out two wardrobe options and he got confused? #RealTalk

The mom (with the perfect hair I might add) and Ben are really hitting it off. He even understands the concept that they ended up together he would be in their lives. You go, Ben!

Aaaand then he breaks Amanda’s heart and  gives Olivia the group date rose.

Cocktail Party

Olivia is the first to steal Ben away even though she already has a rose. Girl is about to secure her Bachelor villain book deal. #BoldMove *Rose Emoji*

“I had really fugly bangs, so my brother was mean to me.” – Lace trying to get sympathy from Ben

“I’m just as pretty as Caesar! We should all just stab Caesar!!!” – Lace about all of the other girls interrupting her time with Ben

Is Ben wearing Arthur George socks?

Ben is doing a really great job giving presents that production gave him to the girls. A picture that was probably printed off ABC.com for Lauren B and DYI hair barrettes for Amanda.

“Your future daddy made you a present!” – Amanda holding up the hair clips to the camera. I hope her kids are not watching this.

“Why won’t Ben talk to me?! And why don’t I understand how this show works yet?!” -Amber

Shoutout to LB for leaving even though she got a rose because #dignity.

“LB is totes going to be my Maid of Honor because she left!!!” – all of the girls

Eliminated: LB, Jackie (IDK who that is) Mandi (who was a waste of crazy) and Smelly Samantha

This week on Bachelor Live, Kris Jenner, Chris Harrison and Farmer Chris did arts & crafts, drank and continued the difficult task of identifying states. Idk if Kris Jenner agreeing to be on this show or the producers repeatedly asking Chris Soules to come and give Ben advice is more ridiculous, but I love it.

Other highlights include skypes from Jade and Tanner announcing a wedding live on ABC (JJ, Ashley S AND I, and the bartender from Bachelor in Paradise better be there) and Kaley Cuoco with her TV sis and IRL sis, former Bachelorette and current mom to be Ali and Haylie Duff having a watch party in Khloe and Lamar’s old house. #Goals.

On another incredible episode of Ben H’s (yes, he will always be Ben H) season of The Bachelor, we saw tears, flying balls, ugly toes and said goodbye to one of this season’s iconic characters women. As I slide into first place in BOTH of my Bachelor leagues, let’s breakdown all of the madness:

“Olivia is totally shady. She’s a mean girl.” -Lauren B and Amanda bonding over their hatred for Olivia.

“I’m in a relationship with Ben. He might be making out with 20 other women, but its totes cool because he loves me.” – Olivia

“Getting a date with Ben would be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” says the WOMAN. WHO. WENT. TO. WAR.

One-On-One Date: Lauren B’s Plane Ride

“Come on my magic carpet ride.” -Direct quote from Ben who is surprisingly not promoting Aladdin.

For a split second I thought ABC was actually going to let Ben fly this tiny yellow plane and I almost lost my ish.

Update: I lost my ish when Lauren B THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT was scared to get into the plane.

“Let’s make them kiss with their headsets on and see how awkward it is.” – The Bachelor producers

*Cue cute, but awkward due to high winds kisses between Lauren B and Ben H*

“Now let’s make them fly over the Bachelor Mansion to tease all of the other girls. MWAHAHAHA.” -The Bachelor producers strike again

There’s a real connection with Lauren B and Ben, and she’s actually really adorable. We should just call Neil Lane now… but not before the random jacuzzi (this episode brought to you by Jacuzzi) shows up in the middle of a field.

“I know I was scared, but you make me brave. I want to be a pilot and have your babies.” – Lauren

“I’m about to tell you a sad story and if you react well, I’m totally down.” – Ben

Token free concert. Drink.

Meanwhile back at the mansion…

“I just. 3shglkshr. Amazing. Wituiohsg. Love. SFiuhs. Ben.” -Caila crying

Token crying over the Bachelor spending time with other women. ON A DATING SHOW. Drink.

“I just really want a date card. And maybe a job.” – Unemployed Rachel

Olivia and Jami are bonding. And sharing facial expression tips.

Group Date: Soccer 

“Today I’m looking to see who has a good attitude and who cries when they break a nail. It’s going to be hilarious.” – Ben

Token ABC paying guest stars to be there that clearly don’t want to be. Drink.

“Do you think Alex Morgan is single? What about Kelley O’Hara?” – probably what Ben H is thinking

“I have zero ball handling skills.” “Balls flying at your face is never fun.”  – Lauren H and Emily basically quoting Clueless.

“These eyebrows mean business.” -Leah

“Every time there’s a breakaway, my heart races… because these women look hot when they’re running.” – Ben

Actual picture of these women playing soccer:

“Ben! Ben! Help me!” – Rachel, one of the many girls who is “injured” during this soccer game, screams

Sending the team that lost home is slightly cruel, but seeing the girls carry Rachel into the house was totally worth it.

“Hey everybody! Look at me!” – Drink every time Olivia steals Ben away first… and be sure to buy two extra bottles of wine for next week’s episode

“Olivia has large, hairy, smelly feet.” “And cankles! Ugly, ugly cankles!” “And bad breath.” – all of the women

*5 seconds later* “Everyone’s talking about you. They basically said you’re a murder because your toes are fugly.” – Jami to Olivia

“Ugh. Perfection is like so uncool.Why can’t they just be cool?” – Olivia

Group Date Rose: Amber. Probs because Ben finally learned her name.

“I know I didn’t get the group date rose, but Ben touched my leg when he stood up, so I’m preggers with his baby.” – Olivia

One-On-One Date: Jubilee’s Spa Day 

“Ben is 20 minutes late. Wtf. And I don’t like helicopters. Does anyone want my date?” -Jubilee low key kidding

“OMG. She’s so disrespectful and ungrateful. How dare she not worship the ground Ben walks on!” – all of the women

“I don’t like caviar. I like hot dogs and playing shuffleboard because I’m #classy like that.” -Jubilee 

Ben and Jubs (do you think she’d mind if I called her Jubs?) have boring conversations in a hot tub. I tune them out.

*Jubilee makes a joke about white people*

“I ain’t that white!” said the Bachelor/software salesman from Indiana

Cocktail Party 

“Two of my family friends died, and I’m really upset. It would mean a lot to me if you guys respected that.”- Ben, genuinely upset

“Oh my god Ben! I know your friends died, but I have cankles that we NEED to discuss! Tell me I’m pretty! Tell me my toes are pretty!” – Olivia, also genuinely upset

*Let’s go to former Bachelor Sean and Bachelorette winner JP’s take*

Jubs decides to make a move and give Ben a massage to help him relax after you know, HIS FRIENDS DIED.

“I don’t care that Ben is clearly stressed and upset! She’s evil, Ben’s mine!” – Amber, who already has a rose, getting mad about Jubilee, who also already has a rose. Makes sense.

“I’m going to go get a lipgloss.” -Becca’s only moment in the episode that started a fight on Twitter

“My tattoo says I need to love myself. Like the Justin Bieber song, ya know? So I need to leave. Bye!” – Lace

Token leaving because they know they’re not going to get a rose. Drink.

“Ben squeezed my waist when he gave me my rose. I’m now pregnant with twins.” – Olivia

Eliminated: Lace, Jami and Shoshanna

“I’m blindsided. It’s been like four days and I thought he loved me. It’s time for cats.” – Jami

Bachelor Live Highlights

Jason and Melissa Molly are still going strong.

Sorority girls that do not know how to form sentences that are not in the form of a cheer are Bachelor fans.

“I really respect your decision to work on yourself and leave the show. Now please work on yourself in front of cameras and have a breakdown on Bachelor in Paradise.” Chris Harrison to Lace who actually seems pretty chill IRL

Tune in next week to find out if Ben actually farted in the Jacuzzi with Lauren B, and see Olivia have a fake panic attack!

I think everyone knows I watch a lot of TV. I also read a lot of TV news and my mind is always planning the next spinoff, judging the latest fashion and questioning the character’s intentions. Let’s get into this week’s TV related questions:

1. Why did Spencer Hastings get bangs? As much as I hate this inevitable Spencer/Caleb hookup that is going to happen on Pretty Little Liars, I hate Spencer’s fugly bangs more. #NotBangspiration 
2. Is there any hope for any of the couples on Married At First Sight? David and Ashley haven’t even held hands, Neil and Samantha are cringeworthy awkward (though I’m hoping their awkwardness gets in sync and it becomes charming) and Vanessa is not going to be able to handle Tres drinking/partying ways. 
3. Will Adele record an audiobook? Any audiobook? Adele on Carpool Karaoke was the best thing that’s ever happened to the internet. And it turns her talking voice is just as fab as her singing voice. 
4. Why does everyone blame athlete’s girlfriends for their performance? From the Kardashians to Ciara, I don’t understand why social media is so quick to blame an athlete’s famous girlfriend for their inability to make a basket or throw a football.
5. Does Butch from Teen Mom OG understand the concept of reality TV? If asking a stripper for oral sex on TV is wrong, than Butch does not want to be right. 
6. Are Zac Efron and Matthew Perry hanging out? A sequel to Seventeen Again or a new bromance is the only semi-acceptable reason to miss a High School Musical or Friends reunion.                                                                               
7. Who do I have to talk to to get FOX to produce Grease 2 LIVE? Because I know Julianne Hough and Vanessa Hudgens are going to kill Grease LIVE next week, I’m ready to plan the next live musical event. Grease 2 is the perfect choice… Ashley Tisdale singing Cooler Rider, anyone?
8. Are Tyga and James Harden filming a spinoff show? Is there any other reason that these two would be hanging out? I bet Scott Disick would be available to go to the strip club with them too.
9. What is Bachelor Ben’s IQ? I don’t know if Ben has said anything that ABC has not scripted for him… and he needs new writers. I guess it’s true that people cannot be beautiful and smart. For more on Ben and his ladies, check out my latest Bachelor recap.
10. What are the chances that newly reunited Miley and Liam will film a reality show? I’m over the moon about Miles and Liam getting back together. Think Nick & Jessica: Newlyweds without the divorce and with more nudity. It’s genius. 
11. When are we going to get answers about the Gilmore Girls revival? There’s pictures of the set being built and rumors of casting beginning, but where is my official announcement with Lorelai, Rory, Luke, Emily and all of the townies signed on? 
12. Is New Girl going to be worth watching with Megan Fox? Based on her acting in Jennifer’s Body, I do not know if I can handle Fox on this comedy. 
13. Why don’t the Gallaghers understand birth control? Dear Debbie and Fiona, I know you ditched a lot of school, but please take a sex-ed class. 
14. Does Johnny Bananas have a job outside The Challenge? I don’t remember the last season of The Challenge that Bananas was not on. Can you actually make enough money to live off of this show? #CallMeMTV 
15. Who is playing Kourtney, Kim and Khloé in The People V OJ Simpson? Ryan Murphy said the Kardashians are only in his new mini series for a few scenes, but this is critical casting. I think North and P would be a great choice.
16. Is Olivia Pope finally going to be a badass again? The new Scandal promos make it seem like Olivia is going to ditch the boring Prez and actually start fixing people again. I’m nervous it’s too good to be true. 
17. Can we get a Stassi and Brandi spinoff? Bravo’s latest unemployed divas need their own show. I don’t want to see them as guest stars on their old shows, I want them to mess up the lives of new, innocent people.
18. When is Lena Dunham going to cast this cat that looks like Adam Driver on Girls? I think this cat is cuter than Adam, tbh.
19. Is it possible Gigi Hadid actually ate a cheeseburger every week when she lived in NYC until she found the perfect burger? My favorite supermodel visited (and won) MasterChef Celebrity Showdown and declared,”I eat clean to stay fit, and eat a burger to stay sane.” I might have to start eating meat again.

Please be in touch if you have answers to any of these questions.

The best part of social media is when celebrities decide to subtweet about their family/friends or hang out with an unusual group of people and post it all over Instagram. Over the past few days there have been a few announcements, potential feuds, live tweets and pictures that did what Kim K has always wanted to accomplish #BreakTheInternet (or at least make me hit retweet):

Kardashian Love Connections: Rob Kardashian is officially out of hiding and trying to find love… with Blac Chyna. If you don’t know why that’s the opposite of NBD, I’m here to break it down.

• Kylie Jenner has been on and off with Tyga for a year.
• Tyga has a son, King, with Blac Chyna.
• Therefore, Kylie and Blac Chyna have been in multiple Insta feuds.

It gets better…

• Black Chyna’s best friend is Amber Rose.
• Amber Rose dated Kanye for years until he ditched her for Kim.
• Khloe got into a twitter fight with Amber after she said Kylie needed a bed time and called Kim a whore. (Sidenote Amber Rose used to be a stripper).

The blacklash is already real…

• Khloe went on a Twitter rant about one of her family members not being there for her new talk show, Kocktails with Khloe, and people think she was talking about Rob.

• Even if she wasn’t talking about Rob, she continued to rant about people not being loyal, so Khloe, who lets Rob LIVE WITH HER, is def not happy.

• Kris Jenner tweeted about her “challenging day” yesterday after all this went down.

• Kylie posted a (now deleted) Instagram low key calling Rob evil and according to sources feels “betrayed.” Dra. Ma.

1D Baby: Louis Tomlinson and his one night stand welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world last week. The baby’s name is rumored to be Sydney Rain, but I think he should have named him Zayn (just to really break the internet), Pillow (as an ode to Michael Jackson and as way to mock Zayn’s new song Pillowtalk), Simon (we wouldn’t know his named without Simon Cowell) or #WelcomeBabyTomlinson because it trended for like 12 hours.

Kourt’s New Squad: Kourtney Kardashian stayed out of the fam drama because she has a new group of friends. Enter Chrissy Teigen, John Legend, Minka Kelly, Kelly Rowland, Jenna Tatum Dewan and Kardashian hairstylist Jen Atkin. I assume the ladies (and probably John) wanted Minka to tell them what it was like to makeout with Tim Riggins, and Kelly was mad that Jen Atkin made more money than her.

Friends Reunion: I thought Matthew Perry was the only person who could ruin the Friends reunion (and BTW the “reunion” is really just the cast talking about a director…), but it turns out the cast of the Big Bang Theory is also to blame. A picture of Rachel, Ross, Monica, Phoebe and Joey having dinner took over the internet, but was tainted by the cast of Big Bang Theory. (If you like the Big Bang Theory feel free to unfriend me in life and on Facebook).

Bachelor Tweets: The only thing better than The Bachelor is celebrities and Bachelor alums tweeting about The Bachelor. Here are a few highlights:

• Becca, who is best known for being a virgin and rejecting Farmer Chris, is back on Ben H’s season. Scott Foley AKA Jake from Scandal’s wife decided to poke fun at her and Becs was not happy.

• Cam from Modern Family wants to be the next Bachelor.

• Former Bachelor Sean Lowe telling it like it is about Amber’s 3rd attempt on the franchise:

Bonus: SNL Bachelor skit that accurately depicts boring Ben and all of our fave crazies:

Jenny’s New Block is Vegas: JLo’s new show in Vegas debuted and celebs like Justin Bieber, Ryan Seacrest, Rebel Wilson and more were in attendance. Plus, based on all the videos I’ve seen, JLo’s show is hot and if you start to watch, you won’t be able to look away.

Emily Blunt is Preggers and Pam is Sad: I don’t think any of us know why we’re obsessed with Emily Blunt and John Krasinski… but we just are. John recently opened up to The Daily Beast about how his days with Emily are hands down the best days of his life and now they’re giving their daughter Hazel a sibling. It’s all totally adobs except for the part where John’s former Office costar Jenna Fischer said they were “genuinely in love” during the show and he said he felt “bad for her.” Awk.

Ben and his girlfriends are ditching their mansion and heading off to Sin City. And what
happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas when you have a million cameras and production team with you…

“Ben is my man. I hope he takes me to Celine Dion.” – Olivia, who is more delusional than ever

“Ben is currently in the marriage capital of the world.” – Chris Harrison “OMG! We’re all going to get married! Polygamy! Sister wives!” – all of the girls who acted like Chris just said Ben was proposing

“I feel like a baller in Vegas.” – Leah… who are you again?

Twins that workout on the treadmill together, stay together.

One-On-One JoJo’s Unoriginal Helicopter Date 

*Bachelor Interns plan date will guarantee a good gif*

“Another flying date where we can make sure the girls see you and get jealous! We are so smart.” – Bachelor producers

“But he’s my husband.” – Shut. Up. Olivia.

They took the girl who looks like Lucy Hale to the Aria hotel? Hmmm, this is A’s work.

“I watched you last season, and I know you felt unlovable, so now i feel unlovable.” – JoJo

“Also I have trust issues, so I will cut you if I’m not top 3.” – JoJo

“I’m sorry someone cheated on you. If we end up together, I will totally give you my Netflix password, but my phone, email and Ashley Madison account are going to stay private.” – Ben

Group Date: Talent Show 

“Ben’s totally had a nose job. We’re into it.” – The Twins

“My only talent is being hot and blonde.” – Lauren B

…Isn’t Olivia’s talent her ability to open her mouth so wide?

“I’m super excited to see these girls open for me because they’re all super hot.” – Terry Fator

“I’m dressed as a chicken, so give me a rose.” – Lauren H

Token panic attack. Drink.

“My talent is wearing a thong! Why doesn’t Ben love me!” – Olivia

“I’m talking to you though my muppet because this is v uncomfortable.” – Ben

“I’m shy today, so I’m wearing a dress that shows my ass and I’m going to jump on you.” – Caila

“Caila’s like a sex panther.” – Ben… The one line ABC didn’t write for him

“Let me hold my finger here seductively to get my ticket to Paradise.” – Olivia

Group Date Rose: Lauren B

One-On-One Becca’s Wedding

“OMG! A wedding dress! I wore one of these last season.” – Becca

The only people more desperate than the people who get married drunk in Vegas are the ones getting married sober in Vegas live on ABC.

“Let me put my hair in a half messy bun because I take this super seriously.” – Becca

“Your season is totally better than Chris’ season.” Becca who came in 2ND PLACE last year. *RIP Farmer Chris’s heart*

“You’re a virgin and I’m a small town religious dude, let’s do this.” – Ben

Two-On-One: Twinning 

“The producers have asked Ben to ask you to spend the day with him because he cannot tell you apart.” – Chris Harrison to Emily and Haley (Just learned their names)

I bet Emily planted those pictures of Haley and her ex-boyfriend in her room.

“Idk if Ben can tell us apart, but I’m confident in our connection.” – Emily

“Emily’s super fun and will sleep with you, and Haley props won’t.” – The twin’s mom

“I’m going to pick Emily because she has a broken thumb that helps me remember who she is.” – Ben

Cocktail Party

“Hi, I’m—”- Jen

“BEN!” – Olivia strikes again

Token telling the Bachelor you’re falling for him too early. Drink.

“Blah, blah, blah, Ben touched my leg.” – Olivia

Eliminated: Unemployed Rachel, Veteran Bachelor Contestant Amber 

“Have they ever put anyone on a fourth season? What about a spin-off! Life isn’t far!” -crying Amber

Bachelor Live 

Allison Williams met her husband at a Bachelor viewing party? GOALS.

Nascar Driver Denny Hamlin: “Are either of the twins still single?” … How do they get people to Skype this show?

There is a Church having a viewing party… You couldn’t write this better if you tried. #GodBlessBachelorNation

“It’s like paranormal activity and Chris Brown showed up.” direct quote from Michelle Collins about Michelle Money’s infamous black eye.

Until next week, mofos.

I have officially watched Grease: Live twice and listened the soundtrack at least seven times in the past 24 hours. I was not sure if my initial love for the live TV musical was due to champagne or childhood nostalgia, but it’s totally held up and the obsession has gotten worse. I’m seriously about to start a Kickstarter for a live tour, but until then, here’s the highlights of the night in GIF form (that also doubles as a love letter to Aaron Tveit… Mr. Tripp van der Bilt).

There were a lot of great moments from the leading ladies…

1. When the pink ladies reminded us they were the OG #squadgoals:

2. When the original Frenchie and the new Frenchie shared the screen together:

3. When Julianne Hough slayed Hopelessly Devoted To You:

4. When Vanessa Hudgens OWNED There Are Worse Things I Could Do:

5. And channeled Rizzo’s sass during Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee:

6. When Jan was hilarious every time she was on screen:

7. When FOX let this air on TV:

8. When Julianne nailed “Tell me about it, Stud…”

But Aaron Tveit was the star of the show…

9. When he danced with his T-Birds during Summer Lovin’:

10. And a star was born (his pelvis):

11. I mean… *Swoon*

12. Plus, he had perfect harmony with Julianne:

13. When he looked hot by the lockers:

14. When he pulled off the Danny hair better than you thought he would:

15. The entire dance sequence of…

16. …Grease Lightning because…

17. HIPS. DON’T. LIE.

18. When his voice shined when he was stranded at the drive-in:  

19. When he wore short shorts:

20. When his eyes sold the cheesy car chase scene:

21. When he brought those hips back out at the dance:
22. And at the carnival:

23. When his chemistry with Julianne was too hot to handle:

24. See 23.

25. See 24.

26. See 25.

I think it’s time for another rewatch.

On this week’s episode of Sister Wives The Bachelor, the gang heads to Mexico City and I dream about Aaron Tveit (and his pelvic thrusts) being the next Bachelor. Let’s get right into it:

Opening: 

ABC I don’t know what you think you’re doing by showing an Iowa Caucus update right now. THE ONLY THING WE CARE ABOUT FROM IOWA IS FARMER CHRIS DAMMIT. I’m about to…

Ok freakout over, “Tonight on The Bachelor…”

“Mexico City is known for its fashion.” – Ben who might be gay

“Either Ben is going to propose to me or I’m going to make him.” – Olivia

Somethings never change.

On-One-On: Amanda 

“This is like the best thing that’s ever happened to me since my first child was born.” – Amanda

“I need to work harder for time with Ben. I think I’m going to kill Amanda’s children for this date.” -Olivia

Ben decides it’s a good idea to wake up his various girlfriends in the middle of the night. It’s actually v smart considering the two months they have to pretend to love each other after the show wraps.

“My life is over.” – Does Lauren H’s mouthguard have a Twitter account yet?

“Viva la Mexico.” – Ben every 30 seconds because ABC hasn’t written any new lines of him yet.

To continue the season of transportation, ABC has fired their helicopter guy and hired a hot air ballon company.

“I feel like, like this is good, like, you know?” – Amanda

“Like yeah.” – Ben

IDK if this conversation about her ex-husband is sups boring or if I’m just distracted by her saying “like” every ten seconds and/or her gorgeous hair.

Amanda gets the rose despite not knowing how to hold a champagne glass correctly.

Group Date: Spanish Class and Home Ec 101

Ben should quit his job as the Bach and work for Mexico City tourism because homeboy is pumped to be here.

“How do you say F this and F group dates in Spanish?” – Jubilee

Didn’t ABC learn enough Spanish with Juan Pablo? #EssNotOK

“Te amo and a bunch of other lovey dovey phrases in Spanish.” – Ben to EVERY girl “OMG HE JUST SAID HE LOVED ME!” – Olivia #K

“Is Olivia’s bad breath enough reason to stab her? Or should I blame it on the cankles?” – Emily

Twin Job Update: Emily’s occupation is still “Twin,” which BTW, she should be fired from since her twin got sent home.

“While Jubilee and Olivia fight over being Ben’s cooking partner, do you want to go to the bar?” – Becca “Hell yes.” – JoJo #IShipThis

“I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the Spachelor”… please see question above questioning Ben’s sexuality.

The professional chefs judging their food are LOVING having the power here. It’s like Chris Harrison on roids.

“I love seeing you interact with other people.” Do you think Olivia would love to see Ben’s makeout sesh with Lauren B?

“Don’t give up on me…” -Jubilee

“Sorry, but I am.” – Ben

*Cut to the unlovable Jubs and unlovable Ben crying montage*

“So it’s been 5 minutes and I’m totally over Jubilee. Wanna makeout?” – Ben to JoJo

Group Date Rose: Olivia. Bleh.

On-One-On: Lauren H

I’ve never seen a Kindergarten teacher in shorts that short. (Ugh, remember when Aaron Tveit wore short shorts in Grease: Live? Memz).

Ben trying on ponchos just brought his hotness factor down a few notches.

“Mexico City fashion week is a dream come true!” Someone needs to tell Lauren H it’s not fashion week without Kimye.

If When this whole finding love on TV thing doesn’t work out, Ben is a shoo-in for Insta modeling.

“I’m telling you a sad story so you give me a rose.” – Lauren H

“Why do all of you have cheating ex-boyfriends? But fine.” – Ben

Cocktail Party

*Amanda, 25, talking about her kids and her ex-husband* “I feel like I’m watching an episode of Teen Mom… you know the show on MTV… where teenagers have kids with multiple fathers and get arrested…” – Olivia

“Stop talking or I will hit you.” – what Amanda wishes she could say but she’s actually a respectable mom

“If I start drama, I will stay another week. Let me call my twin and rub in the fact that she’s at home and cry about Olivia.” – Emily

“Mwahahahahaha.” – Olivia

“Can I steal you for a sec?” Detective Ben on the case after all of the girls tell him Olivia is the worst.

To be continued because Chris Harrison hates us all.

Breaking news: Bachelor Live is officially over the season and no one cares, but ASHLEY S is pregnant! The infamous Bach in Paradise alum reunited with her college boyfriend after her time on the reality shows and is expecting a boy named Onion (I assume that’s his future name).

The most recent episode of The Bachelor was so dramatic I had to take an extra day before I reflected on it. It all started with the rose ceremony THEY DIDN’T SHOW US LAST WEEK (#stillbitter)…

Conversation with Olivia 

“Are you a bitch?” – Ben

“Nah! I just like thinking.” -Olivia

“K. Good talk!” – Ben

Rose Ceremony #1

“I have no idea who will be going home tonight.”  – Some girl I’ve never seen before who is definitely going home

“I can’t go home! I don’t have a job! I’m just a twin. AHHH!” – Twin freakout before she got the rose

“You’re going to make someone so happy. They will probably remember your name too.” – Ben to Jen #RIPBennifer3.0

One-On-One: Fisherman Caila

“BEDS! BAHAMAS! BEDS IN THE BAHAMAS! SISTER WIVES!” – all of the women

“Why am I here?” I want a one-on-one. Or at least Ben to compliment my eyebrows!” – Leah

There’s no way Caila actually taught this fish.

“I live 10 minutes from Ben in Indiana! Doesn’t he know love is about convenience?!” – Leah’s def had like 7 mimosas

“I feel like I love you! But I’m scared to hurt you. I feel understood by you! I mean, what do you want me to say to get a rose?!” – Caila

“I don’t understand a single thing you’re saying right now, but you’re pretty.”- Ben gives Caila the rose even though SHE. MAKES. NO. SENSE.

Group Date: Swimming Pigs 

“I have hot dogs to feed the pigs, ladies!” – Ben “Hmmm…” – all 6 women “Hot dogs are made out of chicken, y’all! Don’t worry!” – Ben

“The girls are having a blast!” – Ben *cut to every girl screaming and crying*

These pigs are huge. They totally have cankles.

“Why isn’t everyone getting along and taking turns making out with me in the ocean?” – Ben

“I like eating pigs… why don’t we go on and one-on-one date with bacon?” – Leah to Ben

“Idk what’s going on!” “Idk either!” This convo with Ben and Becca is so deep.

“I know I just said this to the girl before you, but I mean it this time!”- Ben trying to comfort all of the girls at the pig afterparty

“I’M JUST AS PRETTY AS LAUREN B! I’M JUST AS SMART AS LAUREN B! I’M JUST AS BLONDE AS LAUREN B! WHY DON’T WE ALL JUST STAB LAUREN B!” – Leah

“No. We’re buying Team Lauren B shirts.” – Ben and all of the girls

Group date rose: Amanda 

“You guys have a strong connection! I know this because we don’t!” – Emily comforting Lauren B

“Love me!!!” – Leah “No.” – Ben

Two-On-One: Hurricane Olivia 

This weather is not a coincidence. The Weather Channel better name the next storm Olivia.

“I’m smart! I promise! I’m so smart. Deep, intellectual things are my jam.” – Olivia… I actually didn’t make up the last part of that.

“Also, I’m like so in love with you.” – Olivia

The wind is low key ruining this epic dump.

“Bye Felicia.” – Ben

Ben has a career as a hairdresser in his future.

“I WANT YOU TO BE THERE WHEN MY TWIN AND I GET A CAREER! I WANT YOU TO BE THERE!” – Emily

And now, Olivia starts her journey on Survivor: Reality TV Villains.

Ben is angsty AF.

Eliminated: Lauren H (aka the blonde school teacher who you keep forgetting was still there).

Tune in on Sunday for the mystery Jade and Tanner’s wedding that has been posted about all over the internet!

Ah, the Grammys. When the biggest names in music get drunk and judge each other’s performances. It’s a true award season highlight (and a nice break to see the Biebs instead of the Clooney).

1. Taylor Swift’s look screams modern day American Girl doll.

2. LL Cool J is wearing a brooch that says “LL” because everyone forgets who he is every commercial break.

3. “To Pimp a Butterfly” just won a Grammy and dads everywhere just texted their daughters to make sure they are not Kendrick Lamar fans.

4. Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood are basically Ken and Barbie.

5. Chrissy Teigen is all of us once the first cocktail kicks in. (And looks better pregnant than we do on our skinniest day).

6. Even Ariana Grande’s ponytail is sick of Ariana Grande’s ponytail.

7. The Weeknd’s performance was great, but his hair is still so distracting. Does he wear it like this to be as tall as Bella Hadid? Does he have to buy a special shampoo? Is his hair so big because it’s full of secrets? #ImportantQs

8. This is a petition for Ellie Goulding and Andra Day to start a girl band.

9. Chris Stapleton is scared to be the subject of Bad Blood 2.0.

10. Demi Lovato SLAYS. Selena just ditched the Grammys for voice lessons to win the inevitable Barney and Friends reboot.

11. I would vote for Stevie Wonder for Prez over anyone else running.

12. Lena Dunham’s boyfriend is classy AF. (Who am I kidding, I would do the same thing).

Don’t judge, Selena.

13. Thanks to the Grammys that is the only 5 minutes of Hamilton any of us will ever see. #SoldOut5ever

14. I think the dude in Alabama Shakes stole his bandmate’s hair and started to wear it as a beard.

15. Bruno Mars looks like a Disney villain.

16. Who do we think messed with the sound to screw up Adele’s performance?

A. The cast of Hamilton 

B. Taylor Swift

C. LL Cool J

D. All of the above 

17. Justin Bieber’s mustache is made out of your mom’s chest hair.

18. The real winner tonight is Meghan Trainor’s hair.

*Turns off Grammys until last 5 minutes to see Beyonce*

19. Tori Kelly is totes team Katy Perry.

Breaking news: T Swift cried because the attention was not all on her. (Or because she missed a note in her song… I believe my theory).

It wouldn’t be right to start this recap without saying a prayer for Jared because Ashley I is going to kill him in his sleep if he doesn’t date her soon. (Didn’t watch Janner’s wedding? You don’t even go here).

Now, week 7 of The Bachelor usually brings us to Italy, Ireland, Mexico or… Indiana.  Ben brought his girlfriends to his middle-of-nowhere hometown and somehow it made them love him more? This show is so twisted. Let’s get to it!

*No wifi sign at dinner, panic attack ensues.*

Why do people live in places like this? This is why they can’t have nice things.

“I’m so proud of you, son. Being in love with 10 women is wonderful.” – Ben’s parents

Caila just tried to jump on Ben’s boat. This is not a sex joke.

“Warsaw is amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it.” – Twin who is from Las Vegas that genuinely thinks this town is cool.

“This is the first time I’ve seen Ben ask someone out. Now I can’t live in the fantasy world where he was only dating me this whole time.” – JoJo

One-On-One: Lauren B’s after school program

“You were QB? Damn, I’m more into Tim Riggins than Matt Saracen.” – Lauren B

“This is where I played football, this is where I had my first kiss and this is when you realized I peaked in high school.” – Ben

Is Ben reenacting his first kiss with Lauren supposed to be cute?

“I’m taking you to see this youth group because I need to know if Leah was right about you.” – Ben

#RonnieForBachelor45

Ben and Lauren B match… they are going to be a great soccer parents.

“IDK who these guys are, but SPORTS!” – Lauren

“I’ll pay you $20 if you cry and let Ben comfort you.” – Bachelor producers

“That is such a relief. Take that, suckers!” – JoJo when she gets her date card

“I trust you.” – Ben

“I’ll trust you too when you dump my sister wives.” – Lauren

The girl that meets the friends is the frontrunner. Lauren B, change your twitter handle to @LaurenHiggins ASAP (unless kindergarten teacher Lauren H stole it already).

One-On-One: JoJo’s baseball game

“Lauren is taking the lead. I need to open up and possibly cry so I win.” – JoJo

“I pray I hit this ball because I need a rose.” – JoJo

“It’s awesome to date this many women and play baseball. Childhood dreams do come true.” – Ben

“I’ve been on this show before, let me lead this conversation about how all of you are feeling.” – Becca

“I want to make sure JoJo feels comfortable with me because she could have a hot sister.” – Ben

Pro Tip: Ben, my Bachelor, stop trying to make every girl feel confident in your relationship because you only get to pick ONE.

Drink every time Becca says validation.

Three-On-One: Becca, Caila and Amanda sit on hay and do nothing 

Becca and Amanda should tip over Caila and Ben’s boat.

Do you think Becca is having PTSD in this barn? #FarmerChris

“I’m totally down to take your kids on hay rides.” – Ben to Amanda

“Even though I don’t cry, I like you so much. Show me something.” – Becca “I just can’t even.” – Ben

“I picture myself as moss.” Can we hook up Caila with Tony the Healer from last season?

Group date rose: Amanda 

Oh Becca, there’s nothing to cry about. THEY’RE AT MCDONALD’S.

“Hi Ben and Amanda! You have to order Egg McMuffins to promote on all day breakfast!” – McDonalds employee #NotMadTho

The entire town of Warsaw showed up for this carnival.

“I don’t want to spend time with other people’s kids, wtf.” – Amanda

Ben screaming on carnival rides is a deal-breaker.

One-On-One: Emily meets the parents 

“I’m sooo happy.” – Emily “Shit.” – Ben

“Talking to people is really hard for me.” – Emily #K

“Tell me about yourself.” – Ben’s mom “I know, um, I, like, what is like the question?” – Emily

“I love watching movies, but I hate vegetables.” – Emily is like the seven-year-old girl you’re babysitting who won’t stop talking

Ben def took the twin to meet his parents so he had an excuse to dump her.

“We went to McDonalds.” – Amanda “LOL.” – Lauren B

“Where are we going? You’re not taking me home, right” – Emily “Little do you know” – Ben

“Is she sad? She better be sad!” – Becca and the girls spying

Are all of the girls crying because this is going to be them next week or because they thought Emily would be easy to beat?

Rose Ceremony 

“Can you see your wife in this group?” Chris Harrison always asking the tough, original questions

“Why did you do that?” – Becca “The producers make you do this thing called a rose ceremony.” – Ben

Becca, this isn’t a blindside. You’re going to offend Carly from Bachelor in Paradise.

Picture this: You haven’t seen or talked to your family in over a month. You’re currently dating someone with four girlfriends. You come home and tell everyone you want to marry this man. No, this is not True Life: I Commit Too Quickly or a Sister Wives: The Gameshow. This is The Bachelor: Hometowns.

“This has been such an amazing journey. We’ve been to places that don’t compare to seasons in the past like Las Vegas and Indiana, and I’ve bought my first pair of capris. Now it’s time to upset some families.” – Ben

Laguna Beach: Amanda 

Amanda’s outfit screams “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.”

Do you think KCav or LC is going to show up?

Ben just signed a deal with Nair. #TheLessYouWearTheMoreYouNeedNair

“Hopefully my kids will get a modeling deal or commercial after this episode airs.” – Amanda

“We will work on that.” – Ben trying to bond with Amanda’s daughter is what I imagine a dad trying to run a Girl Scout troop would be like.

“I want to be with someone who loves and my kids.” – WHAT? Amanda expects her future husband to not only love her but also HER KIDS? High expectations.

“How was the beach?” – Amanda’s dad “Well, TBH, I’m sups tired and did not have enough time to talk about how unlovable and sincere I am. Not sure this dad life is for me.

*Reads bedtime story about himself* Didn’t anyone tell Ben being a parent was about the kids?

“I would be crushed if Ben dumped me. And put my kids in timeout until I became the Bachelorette so they didn’t cry when I brought the men home.” – Amanda

Portland: Lauren B

Did anyone else think of Farmer Chris and Whitney’s wall mural in Iowa when they saw the “Keep Portland Weird” wall? #NeverForget

Lauren B likes to sit around and eat sticks of butter from different lands.

“Lets go to a whiskey library so I can get you drunk before you meet my family.” – Lauren

Ben and Lauren can live happily ever after mispronouncing words. #Seagull #Library

“So, do you think I would be a good Bachelorette?” – Lauren’s sister

I hope Lauren and Ben end up together and her family plays the clip of him crying every Christmas.

“If I go home because my dad talked me out of confessing my love, I’ll kill him.” – Lauren

Hudson, Ohio: Caila 

Well, it looks like ABC only packed Ben one fugly blazer.

“This is my high school. I know you’re into that.” – Caila showing Ben around town

Is Caila trying to compete with Amanda’s kids with coloring and playhouses?

The real question is why is everyone’s dad so short?

“Your fame is like a microwave. When it runs out, you can help me make microwaves for my toy company.”

“I’m totally cool with your daughter being Filipino. She’s a sex panther.” – Ben

The world validation. Drink.

“Caila’s def going to get dumped.” – Her dad

Dallas: JoJo

JoJo’s ex-boyfriend Chad is def going to be the new Bachelor. “Savage Chad” can be the new “Perfect Ben.”

“JoJo, will you accept a dozen roses?” – Chad “No, but can you fix Ben’s hair.” – JoJo

“Uh oh. Somethings up!” – Ben after he sees a crying JoJo. #GoodWorkNancyDrew

This is an official petition for a Bachelor mom spinoff starring Caila’s mom’s braces and JoJo’s mom’s botox.

“We know how hot our sister is, so we’re protective of her.” – JoJo’s brother

There’s a zero percent chance JoJo’s mom has never seen an episode of The Bachelor. And a thirty percent chance she does not even know where she is.

“We know ABC is writing lines for you. I was on a reality dating show once.” – JoJo’s brother.

“Crap. Uhhhh. Maybe if I do my best Farmer Chris and forget how to speak I can get out of this.” – Ben

I low key think JoJo’s mom wants to run away with Ben.

Rose Ceremony 

“Shit.” All of the girls when they see JoJo

Lauren is dressed like Sandy because her family told her Ben needs to shape up after he starting crying on their couch.

Do you think Amanda is more upset that her kids met Ben or that she had to work at McDonald’s?

Lauren’s younger brother is going to marry Nick Viall’s little sister. #CalledIt

Due to the fact the Oscars could be summed up in five words (Mad Mex, Racism, Leonardo Dicaprio), I decided to tackle the award show afterparties. All of the winners, nominees and anyone else who happens to be in Hollywood, mingled, danced and snapped selfies with each other, and I brainstormed their conversations. (Basically they drank awesome shooters, listened to awesome music and then sat around and soaked up each other’s awesomeness)…

Jessica Biel, Amy Adams and Demi Lovato:

“I’m so drunk!” – Jessica

“Take your shoes off so Jess doesn’t look like the only one who is wasted.” – Amy

“Please hurry up and take this picture!” – Demi

Adam Shulman, Anne Hathaway Eddie and Hannah Redmayne:

“Babe, am I pulling off this fake smile? I don’t even believe this chick is pregnant.” – Anne

“Yes! And you look beautiful!” – Adam

“Lol.” – Hannah

“Are you going to name your baby Princess of Genova?” – Eddie

Chris Rock, French Montana, Diddy, Tobey MaGuire:

“French, you were not invited here. Who let you in?” – Chris

“Buy my tequila, y’all.” – Diddy

“Skhgishkgs.” – French

“I feel so cool right now. Did you guys like Spiderman?” – Tobey

Kate Upton, Elizabeth Banks, Maria Sharapova:

“Can I take a selfie with your boobs?” – Elizabeth

“No.” – Kate

“Where am I?” – Maria

Willa Holland, Chace Crawford, Kelly Rutherford, Jessica Szohr:

“I thought you were going to tell her fans wouldn’t want her in the picture.” – Willa

“I’m Nate. I don’t know how to do anything but smile.” – Chace

“Xoxo!” – Kelly

“Do you guys think Vanessa would be invited to the Gossip Girl reboot?!” – Jessica

Kate Bosworth and Naomi Watts:

“Do you really think I have a chance to win an Oscar someday?!” – Kate

“Uhhh, yes honey. Or just make Blue Crush 2.” – Naomi

Taylor Kinney, Lady GaGa and Caitlyn Jenner:

“Make sure this is a good picture. I want to break the internet more than Kim.” – Caitlyn

Jennifer Garner and Serena Williams:

“Everyone keeps asking me about my ex-husband. How do you feel about leaving and binge watching Vanderpump Rules?” – Jen

“Ummm sorry girl, but I don’t get out much.” – Serena

Blake Shelton, Gwen Stefani, Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama:

“Does he know he’s wearing jeans?” – Wilmer

“IDK. But I want to get on The Voice.” – Demi

“Did you forget the change of clothes I laid out for you?” – Gwen

“Free booze! I love the Oscars!” – Blake

And most importantly, Leo and his Oscar:

“Can you believe I had two of these before you had one?” – Ben Affleck

“Even you can’t ruin tonight for me.” – Leo

“My mom thinks she is going to get to hold my statue for longer than 5 seconds. Lol.” -Leo

“Will you marry me, Oscar?” – Leo

Just when you think it doesn’t get any better than hometowns, the fantasy suite happens. Ben and his ladies all have a chance to spend the night with their “boyfriend” (not all together… this isn’t HBO!) and confess that they’re falling in love. Normally the Bachelor or Bachelorette refrains from responding to the infamous “I love you,” but not Ben. Ben is a committed polygamist Bachelor. Ben was so ready to find love… he did it twice!

“Jamaica is like paradise.” Didn’t anyone tell Ben that paradise was in Mexico with an open bar and a bartender named Jorge?

“Jamaica is a great place to fall in love. Twice.” – Ben

“Ben, I want my pink shirt back!” – Damien from Mean Girls watching this

Ben reflecting on his journey to find love at a swamp is really romantic. Def a good sign for his future wife.

“I’m going to prove my manliness by climbing these rocks, watch!” – Ben to the producers after he cried 4 times last week

Caila’s Date

“Is it too late to kick Caila off this boat and invite Lauren B?” – Ben

I don’t know if it’s the music or the editing, but this date is so awkward I almost can’t watch. Except I can’t look away…

“All of my other relationships felt wrong, and this feels right.” Caila’s a total girl’s girl… her Sister Wive relationship feels right.

“Even though I’m pretty sure I don’t want to pick Caila, I want her to cry and let me know she loves me.” – Ben

“I love you, Ben!” – Caila “Ahhhh…” – Ben’s deep breath. “I know he loves me too because I can feel it in his breath!” – Caila

Did Ben pop a breath mint in between kisses or is Caila just crazy?

“Yes! I love that people are in love with me! Thank god she stopped acting reserved before the fantasy suite.” – Ben.

These fireworks are totes necessary.

“I could wake up in the morning and know that Caila is the one for me. Or the sex could be terrible.” – Ben

Lauren’s Date

“It’s a little weird to spend the night with Caila and then hang out with Lauren B. But somehow I’ll handle it.” – Ben is a true #hero

LB’s (do you think she minds if I call her LB?) got nothing to hide in those shorts.

“Don’t cry. Don’t cry.” – Ben talking to himself after his heartfelt conversation with the sea turtles

I would give my final rose to Mel and release turtles for the rest of my life.

“Ben, you’re a perfect ben.” – Lauren “Lauren, you’re the best Lauren that showed up on this season.” – Ben

These two are actually so cute and I hate myself for caring.

“The fantasy suite is so pretty!” – Lauren “I know! I was here yesterday.” – Ben

“I love you, Ben!” – Lauren “OMG! I’ve been dying to hear you say that! I didn’t want to say it first! I LOVE YOU, LET’S RUN AWAY TOGETHER.” – Ben

JoJo’s Date

“After last night, if I don’t have the same feelings for JoJo that I do for Lauren, I’m going to have to send her home.” – Ben

“Ben!” – JoJo “JoJo, I love you!” – Ben

I think JoJo saw Lauren’s shorts and the two are battling it out for a new Nair commercial.

Do you think Chad is watching? Do you think Ben loves him too?

“I’ve never seen a waterfall.” – JoJo “I’ve never seen an episode of The Bachelor.” – Ben

“Can you believe we’re here?” -JoJo  “Yes, I’ve been here for five days.”-Ben

“I love you, Ben.” – JoJo “I love you too, JoJo.” – Ben “WAIT! I wouldn’t have said it if I knew you could say it back. Damn it.” – JoJo

“I’m having flashbacks to my date with Lauren.” Ben, that’s called guilt.

“You’re so cute!” “No, you’re so cute!” I want to puke.

I wonder what intern taught Ben the word enthralled.

Caila (remember her? #TBT) Returns:

“I want to see Ben and remind him that I’m funny and cute and charming! Also my abs look good in this crop top.” – Caila

“Shit. Her abs do look good.” – Ben

“I’m in love with two women here. And you’re not one of them. Bye Felicia.” – Ben

“Oh. Ok.” – Caila

GO CAILA! YOU TELL HIM! Oh, wait. That ended up being super lame. She should have used Nick V’s line “Why did you make love to me if you weren’t in love with me?” It works every time.

At least Caila has a pretty crying face. And you know, her life whole ahead of her since she’s only 24 years old.

Rose Ceremony (Which is unnecessary since there’s two girls left)

“I feel so confident. Ben told me he loved me.” – Lauren

“Apparently that doesn’t mean much in Ben’s world.” – Chris Harrison who low key wants to stab Ben.

“Right now I have two true loves.” Ben doesn’t know what love is. #NotBlessed

If I was one of these girls, I would pinch the other one during the group hug.

I think Cody from Sister Wives should host this show next season.

March 14, 2016 will go down as one of the greatest days in reality TV American history. Bachelor Ben broke a record for the number of times someone has said ‘I love you’ to different people in a two-hour period (did he forget he was being filmed?), Chris Harrison forced a pastor to stand for three hours straight and if all that wasn’t enough, Stassi and Jax from Vanderpump Rules talked for the first time in a year and LaLa wore a fugly ponytail. Plus, I stayed up to watch the beginning of LaurBen’s press tour and the Pump Rules cast all over Bravo. I know I’m a lifesaver (fill free to put me as your write-in during the primaries). Let’s get to it…

Meeting The Parents:

I’m willing to bet a lot of money that Bach Ben has stared off into space more than any other Bachelor. Does the show provide rehab to help break this habit?

I hope Lauren and JoJo got to watch footage of Twin #2 meeting Ben’s parents to calm their nerves. If they have any aspirations other than NFL Cheerleader, they will be an upgrade.

“So, I’m kind of in love with both of them. There’s still a few things to work out.” – Ben

“No shit.” – Ben’s mom

The Bachelor should hire Ben’s mom to be a life coach during this process. She’s so supportive and judgmental at the same time.

Ben’s dad is totes Team Lauren (his eyes said it all) and Ben’s mom is totes Team JoJo (I guess she has a thing for seashells). They should have the whole fam debate Ben’s decision next Thanksgiving.

Personally, I would pick Lauren because she brought wine. However, JoJo did the whole “I’m so in love with your son and I would give up my right arm if he picked me” better.

The Final Dates:

“I love you.”

“I love you!”

“I LOVE you.”

“I love YOU.”

“I’m in love with you.”

“Luv u.”

“ILY!”

Seriously though, Ben made his life 10x harder by reminding these women he loved them every opportunity he had. I’ll pay someone in hashbrowns to set all of Ben’s ‘I love yous’ to L-O-V-E by Ashlee Simpson. #ImTalkingBoutLooooove

However, Bach Ben did have two serious convos with his girlfriends.

Lauren:

“Do I have anything to worry about?” – Lauren
“Ummmmmm.” – Ben
“I love you so much.” – Lauren
“Ummmmmm.” – Ben
“Whatever happens, remember I love you. And please don’t talk to TMZ about the fantasy suite.” – Ben

JoJo:

“If we go into the bathroom, they won’t be able to hear us.” – Ben “Lol.” – Bachelor producers who want to get back at them for having two serious conversations at a waterfall that affects the audio quality

“Say it. Say what I need to hear.” – JoJo
“Vampire?” – Ben
“BEN!” – JoJo
“I love you.” – Ben
“But you love her too?” – JoJo
“Well, duh. That’s what I’ve been saying, woman!” – Ben

ABC should have played Hopelessly Devoted To You from Grease during this reflective montage.

The Decision:

Ben is praying for clarity. I imagine his prayer sounds a little like this:

“Dear God, it’s me Ben H. I have a life changing decision to make. Do I go with the safe blonde? Or the risker balayage? Also, what do I do if they ask me to go to Dancing with the Stars? Please help me find strength to give the right girl validation. Sorry about that whole adultery thing. It doesn’t count if Chris Harrison is there, right? Amen.”

This is the part where I started to binge eat Oreo pie and switch from white to red wine. Catherine Lowe felt similar stress.

#DontUpsetSeanAndCatherinesBaby #HeOrSheIsAFutureBachelorOrBachelorette

First rule of the Bachelor Finale: Never be the first girl out of the helicopter.

Second rule of the Bachelor Finale: STOP the person you’re about to dump before they re-confess their love for 5 minutes.

“I love making out with you in helicopters. But I loved making out with Lauren in helicopters more.” – Ben
“Are you effing kidding me? -JoJo

Did Snapchat create the crying, smudged makeup filter for this moment?

Just when you’re about to take back every good thing you’ve said about Ben being the perfect Bachelor, he freakin’ calls Lauren’s dad and dances like he’s in a boyband when he gives him permission to marry Lauren.

“You’re my person.” – Lauren
“You’re my person!” – Ben
“If you leave me like McDreamy left Meredith, I’ll McKill you.” – What Lauren should have said

“I feel like these two are going to make it. They’re so cute.” –Me. EVERY. DAMN. YEAR.  #IHateMeToo

After The Final Rose:

“In case you forgot, we kidnapped Ben’s pastor and made him stand here pretending to read the bible!” – Chris Harrison

JoJo is being way too nice to Bach Ben. She knows she’s just here to show off her boobs and make sure everyone in America knows she’s over him.

JoJo is the perfect choice for Bachelorette because:

“Sorry, Twitter didn’t react the way we hoped when we leaked pictures of you filming for The Bachelorette. But if you ditch the Xanax and play up the sex panther reputation, you can totes come to Paradise.” – Chris Harrison to Caila who is crying somewhere

Time to make LaurBen sups uncomfortable and see if they want to get married.

“We would rather get married in a more traditional setting. Live on ABC with Chris Harrison instead of my childhood pastor. Thx for coming doe!” – Ben

“It’s your job to stall because there’s still 10 minutes left for your wedding.” – Chris to Ben

“Lauren, still want to marry me?” – Ben “Sure, why not.” – Lauren

After After The Final Rose:

LaurBen played The Newlywed Game on Kimmel, and Ben knows Lauren’s middle name and Lauren almost remembered the name of his childhood pet, so these two are destined for greatness.

“Are you going to watch JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette?” – Kimmel
“Yes!” – LaurBen in unison
“This network is so effed up.” – Kimmel

The inevitable People Mag was revealed:

If I was Lauren, the only way I could get through Good Morning America and LIVE with Kelly and Michael is making Ben promise me a present every time they bring up JoJo and taking a shot every time they talk about Ben saying “I love you” to both girls.

Also, calling BS that she hasn’t watched every episode.

“What have you learned about each other?” – every TV host
“Lauren likes to sleep in.” – Ben
“And nothing (besides to name JoJo) makes me more pissed off than when you wake me up.” – Lauren

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER (or until their PDA press tour ends).

Meanwhile, over at Sur….

Jax returns home from Hawaii and greets his loving, supportive girlfriend, Britany, the way every girl would want to be greeted.

“Are you doing the dishes? Instead of thanking you and telling you I missed you, I’m going to try to kick you out of the apartment for cleaning.” – Jax

“But I work at Hooters! And you bought me boobs! Sidenote shouldn’t you be in a jail?” – Brittany

“The judge just told me to keep my hands to myself. And I said:” – Jax

Stassi is finally moving out of Kristen’s apartment, which I think is a mistake because being Kristen’s roommate means you have a front row seat to her inevitable meltdown and free alcohol for the show.

Stassi and JoJo’s mom drinking out of champagne bottles should be a spinoff. Or at least a web series. @Andy make it happen.

Katie and Tom are the smartest people on this show. Using Lisa Vanderpump’s house for their engagement party and forgetting everything so she has to help them and give them free sangria.

Breaking News: Schwartz proves to be just as useless as ever when he can’t close an umbrella without Lisa’s help.

“OMG! Our hair is twinning!” – LaLa
“But can you freak, bitch?” – Scheana

TBH, Khloe Kardashian wore it better. Sorry ladies.

“I know we weren’t invited, but the best way to blend in is to give a drunk toast about how we were there for all of the times Katie and Tom fought!” – Kristen
“Uhhhh. Ok. If Lisa brings out a weapon, I’m using you as my shield.” – Stassi

“Wrap it up!” – LaLa def didn’t watch seasons 1 and 2 of Vanderpump Rules because she isn’t scared of Kristen

“This is about me! Remember?” – Katie

The only thing missing from the Bachelor finale (or fantasy suite dates?) is the candy necklaces everyone is rocking at this party.

“All you care about is being popular.” – Ariana
“That’s not true! I care about attention! Not popularity!” – Scheana
“I’m going to need an ally at the reunion, so let’s be friends again.” – Ariana
“Ugh thank God. I can’t afford to keep getting Botox and you keep making me cry.” – Scheana

Nothing says romance like watching LaLa and James lick each other.

Take a shot every time James thinks he’s sober because he smoked instead of drank.

“I’m not a ratchet whore” is the new “I’m not a ghetto bitch.” #IMissLauraLeigh

I never thought I would miss Scheana’s performances until I saw Tom Sandoval take the “stage” (move tables around for dancing room at Sur).

TBT to the civil convo between Stassi and Jax that lasted approximately 30 seconds before they argued about their relationship that ended three years ago.

“Everyone in a relationship, make sure you leave together and walk out slowly so we get a good shot. Oh, and Stassi and Kristen, try not to trip over each other.” – Pump Rules producers

I can’t wait for the reunion, which is THREE PARTS, and I will be seriously disappointed if at least one and ½ parts aren’t dedicated to debating whether Rachel or Ariana is a better standup comedic. This show is as good as gold. (See what I did there, Scheana?)

Watch What Happens Live:

 TBH, the best part was when Lisa criticized the bartenders for putting a lime on the edge of her wine glass.

“Thank you for giving me the opportunity to film 52 episodes of reality TV a year with 30 people I cannot stand.” – Lisa

“You’re welcome!” – Andy

“If I HAD to be friends with Stassi or Brandi, I would pick Stassi because she’s more relevant right now.” – Lisa

Pump Rules AfterShow:

LaLa is STILL wearing her hair like one of Lisa’s dogs.

“You don’t talk like you’re educated.” – Scheana, girl, I don’t know if you know this but you don’t need a degree to work at Sur

Are we supposed to like LaLa? I can never tell.

“I’ll say anything you want me to because if I get fired from this show I will have no income.” Tom Schwartz to Lisa

“I want to die. And if my sunglasses go missing, I’ll kill you instead.” The general vibe of Stassi and Jax’s interview together

“God bless reality TV.” – Me

I’m a self-proclaimed television addict and pop culture junkie, and I never saw a problem with it. I’ve read studies and seen articles about TV affecting how we act in our real lives and how it affects young people growing up, but I never believed it (even though I wrote essays about it for class for an excuse to write about Gossip Girl). I mean watching Beverly Hills, 90210 did not make me want to go join a cult like Kelly Taylor. And watching Teen Mom hasn’t made me want to be a mother. It’s actually made me never want to have kids. Ever.

I was never a Bravo girl (I like E! reality shows, The Bachelor, anything on MTV, even FYI… #MarriedAtFirstSight4eva), but after Vanderpump Rules star Stassi Schroeder made me laugh out loud on a podcast I listen to, I decided that my cousins and friends that were Bravo-obsessed were onto something. I watched three and 1/2 seasons of Pump Rules in less than two weeks, and quickly jumped on the Housewives train through reruns and marathons.

About a week into the Bravo binge, I started to notice a difference in my life. I cursed more (the f word just made all of my sentences flow). My sarcastic comments (I have always been more aggressive and dramatic than most) took a negative turn and became borderline insulting (depending on how sensitive the person was). I visited my friends from home and they pointed out my harshness (in between laughs, I might add) almost immediately. During conversations with people, I had monologues/confessionals going through my head like I was going to be interviewed about the situation later (those were really funny and I regret not writing them down). There was even an incident when I briefly thought I was Stassi (which is a story for another time… DM me for deets).

I had my big epiphany on Easter. I asked my aunt if she made a carrot cake and she responded “does it look like a carrot cake?” (Picture a round, white cake with carrots drawn on it) and I said “bitch!” back. I called my aunt a bitch. We’re a pretty funny, sarcastic family, but we don’t exactly talk to each other like we’re servers at Sur or Pump, and I think we should keep it that way. Luckily she took it well, and responded “That’s aunt bitch to you!” (My first thought was that’s a great Real Housewives tagline). I texted my friend and said my reality TV binges are catching up to me.

Now, I should explain that when I watch TV, I don’t just watch the 45 minute show and move on. I stalk the cast on every form of social media. I read blogs and recaps (sometimes I even write them). I listen to the cast’s podcasts and podcasts the cast are on. Basically, Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible has become my spirit animal. My obsessive personality def makes my Bravo binge more dangerous and affects my personality on another level.

Another consequence of my Bravo binge was all I could talk about was Bravo. Remember that scene in Mean Girls when Cady Heron cannot stop talking about Regina George and repeating stories about her? That was me with Andy Cohen. I could see people losing interest (and I had to jam an insane amount of details/explanations into my stories because a lot of my friends did not watch the shows I was talking about) but I just COULD NOT STOP TALKING!

Finally, I would be lying to myself if my Bravo binge did not make me a tad insecure. I’m a pretty confident person… there’s no shame in loving yourself and I think it’s really important. However, it can be a pretty humbling experience to see 50 year old women look skinner than you will ever be. Not to mention their beautifully Botox’ed faces (yes, I just called Botox beautiful… #bravofanprobs) and highlighted hair. It has also made me think about myself and my looks like 35x times more than normal, so beware of becoming more self-absorbed and self-conscious.

I’ve always loved mocking celebrities and dishing out sassy comebacks (FYI I am making fun of myself for that phase), but my Bravo binge has taught me that sometimes less is more, and I want to be the kind of person who remembers and acknowledges that there is such a thing as going too far. I want to go for the laugh, but maintain some class, ya feel? I’m not calling everyone on Bravo offensive or trashy (because some of them really aren’t), but exposing myself to only reality TV has just made me think about Botox (for myself and other people) an unhealthy amount.

In the end, if you think this means I am going to give up reality TV or Bravo, you are seriously mistaken. I HAVE to watch Erika Jayne perform another one of her hit singles from the Billboard dance charts and see whether or not Jax will ever hit DJ James Kennedy (I’m hoping he does, OBVI). Giving up Bravo cold turkey would cause more damage and probably a Kim Richards style breakdown. However, reflecting on my actions and remembering my family and friends did not sign up for a reality show (yet), has been an eye opening experience. I am going to consider watching 15 minutes of the news for every two hours of Bravo and vow not to think about whether or not I need a nose job ever again.

We’re all in this together. Mazel, bravolebrity fans.

THE BACHELORETTE: JoJo cannot stop thinking about her ex and his dad bod. *Drink* every time she mentions Ben and Lauren B. Also, how much do you hate JoJo for pulling off those firefighter pants?

Group Date #1: Firefighter Training 
Erectile Dysfunction is scared of the firefighter course… hasn’t he seen some pretty scary things in his day? Meanwhile back at the mansion, Chad is wearing his luggage as a weightlifting belt while all of the other guys are drinking mimosas and singing. I don’t know what’s worse. I expect James Taylor and his Bach Bros to release their new single “JoJo” on iTunes by the end of the episode.

Going out on a limb to say it’s unfair that Grant the firefighter is on this date. On the other hand, Wells is pulling a Kelsey and I think this season of the Bachelorette might have more medical emergencies than the latest season of Survivor. Poor Wells (and his extreme hand gestures) couldn’t have beat Luke or Grant in this race even if he had that acapella group from the first episode helping him.

While Grant is all “I won’t leave the house in the morning without waking you up and giving you a kiss” (JoJo wants a husband… not an alarm clock), Luke looks like a greaser in that leather jacket (and the kind who definitely failed English).

*Drink* every time JoJo says “good.”

Group Date Rose: Wells (AKA he the got the participation award)

One-On-One Date: Derek

Derek and JoJo are going to make serious decisions together on this date like whether to take a helicopter or a private jet. The pilot holding the “South” sign for the next Bachelor, and the one with the “North” sign can go to Paradise. Sidenote: Am I the only one who expected the cast of Fuller House to show up in San Diego? #WastedPlugOpportunity

“We made like, so many good decisions together on our date. You’re totes marriage material.” – JoJo
“My last relationship didn’t end well. It was like so tragic. It’s so hard for me to love again.” Derek made it seem like his ex-girlfriend was kidnapped or murdered. Dude doesn’t handle being cheated on well… so it makes sense he’s sharing a girl with 20 other men.

Back at the mansion, Damn Daniel’s tanktop should cost him the rose and *drink* because Chad isn’t here to make friends.

At this rate, JoJo will still be talking about Ben in the finale. Lauren B, watch yourself girl.

Group Date #2: SportsNation takeover 

These “competitions” are a joke and I think the SportsNation guys would rather debate Lebron v Steph for the millionth time (Shoutout to JoJo for pretending to have an opinion on the subject in the intro #SportySpice). I also think it’s safe to say America is lucky Jordan Rodgers never got to do a touchdown dance in the NFL after that performance and none of these guys ever played dizzy bat.

“Yo JoJo, marry me. But only if you stop being such a naggy bitch.” – Chad who has clearly never seen an episode of The Bachelorette and actually used the word NAGGY. #EverybodyHatesChad #AndHisFinances

“All of the men are acting. I’m real. Like the J.Lo song.” – Chad probably has a really douche-y Instagram.

“Hi, I’m James Taylor and I love food, God and sharing a name with a famous singer.” – James T who actually made JoJo cry with his Buzzfeed style list of things he loves

Alex is definitely measured at Six Flags to see if he’s tall enough for the rides.

“I can’t pretend that you’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met because I don’t really know you. You’re sups hot though and I’m taking care of my dead mom’s dog so plz give me a rose.” – Chad

 Group Date Rose #2: James “I Can’t Put My Guitar Down” Taylor

Cocktail Party

Chad proves once again he isn’t here to make friends by stealing JoJo before she even enters the cocktail party. At least he brought wine. As far as her other suitors, calling it now that Robby will start a bowtie line after he is eliminated around week 6 while Bachelor Superfan is 100% stealing napkins, cups and anything he can get his hands on from the mansion.

#MeatOnAStick #ProteinShake #Chad4BachelorInParadise #ChaseWantsToBuildASnowman (All things that should have trended tonight)

“Is this an effing joke?” – The Bachelor Interns when they saw JoJo and Will toilet papering the mansion

Update: Confirmed that “I count calories and eat during rose ceremonies” Chad definitely has a really douche-y Instagram.

Eliminated and not memorable enough to remember at Men Tell All: Bachelor Superfan, Hipster and Will.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK: God Bless The Berkshires. This epic episode picked up where we left off with Bethenny and Luann having a “who wore it better” fight over their hair and Luann’s new boyfriend who Ramona briefly dated.

“BOO YOU WHORE!” – Bethenny

“Why are you so obsessed with me? MY HAIR LOOKS SEXIER PUSHED BACK THAN YOURS.” – Luann

“Ex-boyfriends are off limit, that’s like the rules of feminism!” – Ramona

“I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…” – Dorinda

“Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?” – Sonja who wasn’t invited but took advantage of her alone time by trying new laser treatments

“Do I even go here?” – Carole

Jules went from being useless to being the MVP after she flawlessly tried to remind Luann that there are more important things than being called a mean name, spied on Luann with Carole, revealed she carries Goldfish in her purse and only mentioned being Asian once. You go Glenn Coco! #MostImproved

THE CHALLENGE: After TJ bye Felicia’d Brandon and Briana last week because Brandon missed his girlfriend (lame), I was ready for a real elimination and this week did not disappoint. Shocker that worthless Jessica let down Johnny again and they were sent to The Jungle, while Ashley and Cory ended up winning and made a deal with the ginger Devil Wes and hot headed Nany. That will work out. Lol.

Ashley borrowed a cue from Bethenny Frankel and started calling Simone a slut (while she was walking around the house without pants on… #classy). “You’re a weak ass!” she yelled over and over again while accusing Simone of being in love with Wes. I’m on Team Ashley on this one because all of her rants both insulted her butt injury from the soap challenge and her flirting with Wes (who somehow has a girlfriend).

“Like, we don’t really want to go in.”  – Christina and Nate’s sups convincing argument to stay out of the elimination actually worked because of Ashley’s fight with Simone. Also going in The Jungle are newbies Amanda and Nelson.

Simone pulled a white skull without taking her eyes off of Ashley (savage move) and there’s a 99% chance she poisons her drink next week.

Jessica forgot how to use her brain and couldn’t memorize a pattern and her and Johnny were sent home. “I’m so sorry I let you down! Again!” -Jessica “F**k off.” -Johnny

Oh, Devin and Cheyenne also came back because everyone keeps quitting, but like no one cares but Corey (they’re going to make a fun pair on the next season of Battle of the Exes) and they will probs be sent home (again) next week.

SOUTHERN CHARM: In a plot twist that everyone saw coming, the trip to the mountains was not relaxing or chill like Shep claimed it would be. We started the episode with Whitney still pissed about #NewCraig calling him out about his feelings for Kathryn and leaving early with his new sidekick Cameran (UGH! Homegirl, we were rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!).

“I don’t understand why everyone is upset that I started drama about something that happened three years ago.” – #NewCraig is still #CluelessCraig

After Landon (does anyone else think she is starting to become the worst?) finished flirting with Shep over eggs, the crew went home and the boys headed to another adventure in LA. After partying for a few days, Shep got a call from JD asking why #NewCraig hasn’t answered the phone. Sounds like a perfect way to get that promotion, #NewCraig. #WerentYouSupposedToBeALawyerByNow?

Back in Charleston, Landon’s new “career” had her making candles. Her scents will probably be called “Mary Had A Little Shep” and “Divorce Sucks.” Seriously though, who wants to buy a travel “magazine” (sounds like a bunch of info from a Google search turned into bullet points) from someone who can barely afford to live on a boat?

While #HungoverNewCraig got yelled at by JD at the races, another T-Rav was brought into the world.

“Yo T-Rex, let’s call him St. Julien Rembert Ravenel. And doc, make sure this kid is miNe before we sign the birth certificate.”- Thomas after the birth (I’m just guessing).

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS: I have to say, I’m pretty disappointed that Brandi and LeAnne are on the road to recovery and becoming friends. The only reason to watch Dallas is to see LeeAnne assault another trolley and walk home without her shoes #CarnyKidProbs. (Sidenote how excited are you for Andy Cohen to point out Brandi has LeAnne as “Loud Mouth” in her phone at the reunion).

Elsewhere on Dallas, Stephanie threw a “Gatsby” themed birthday party for her husband (think less Gatsby and more fugly prom dresses) and Cary had multiple conversations with her husband that went like this:

“I think our daughter wants vanilla cake.” “I think she wants chocolate.” “I think she wants vanilla.” “No, chocolate.” (They will be divorced by season three).

The most important part of this episode is Brandi got drunk on “Jesus juice” and invited the whole cast to Austin for a weekend getaway. I don’t think shit show is going to even begin to cover this one.

Young Hollywood is an example of what happens when you don’t go to public school and don’t have a chance to get all of the angst and hysterics out of your system. Seriously, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez scream middle school guidance office, but because they’re talented they get to have their fights at The Nice Guy and in front of the whole world. Plus, they don’t stop when you turn 16 and get over yourself. (Back in my drama days, our fights took place on MySpace and “Sad. All love.” would be spelled “Sadz 4 u. All luv.”)

Not following? It all started when Justin Bieber posted about 229579 pictures of his new girlfriend Sofia Riche aka Nicole Riche’s little sis. If you didn’t know Nicole Riche had a little sister, you should be ashamed (or proud?) of yourself for not knowing all of the models for Madonna’s Material Girl clothing line or watched Candidly Nicole, where Sofia role-played Brenda/Kelly infamous fight over Dylan from Beverly Hills, 90210. #DonnaMartinGraduates #TheBiebsDidnt

Beliebers’s did what beliebers do best and spammed Sofia’s Instagram page because they don’t want her dating their precious Bieber. The former Monkey owner responded with a threat to make his account private (the horror!) and his ex-girlfriend and all around badass Selena Gomez commented “If you can’t handle the hate then stop posting pictures of your girlfriend lol- it should be be special between you two only. Don’t be mad at your fans. They love you. They were there for you before anyone.” (“Kill Em With Kindness,” right Sel?!)

It didn’t take long for Justin to respond with “It’s funny to see people that used me for attention and still try to point the finger this way. Sad. All love.” And then added, “I’m not one for anyone receiving hate. Hope u all can be kind to my friends and eachother. And yes I love my beliebers.” I don’t know what’s worse, that Justin doesn’t know each other is two words or that the term “beliebers” is still a thing.

I know Jelena was a tabloid magnet, but don’t flatter yourself Biebs, Selena was famous before you and after you. “Stars Dance” and “Hands To Myself” are gifts to our generation and I refuse to hear otherwise. In true S. Gomez fashion, she posted a collage (if only “Picnik” was still a thing) of pictures of her and her fans. Providing the receipts just like a Real Housewife taught us all.

However, it didn’t stop there. Selena returned to Justin’s Instagram and left another “like for a truth is” style comment (even though Biebs didn’t ask), but this one was less passive aggressive and more direct. “Funny how the ones that cheated multiple times, are pointing the finger at the ones that were forgiving and supportive, no wonder fans are mad. Sad. All love.”

It’s unclear if the next few comments came from our favorite former couple or some random 13-year old girl who is super good at photoshopping Instagram comments, but it takes a twisted turn when Justin supposedly accused Selena of cheating on him with Zayn (the dude who left One Direction and sings about pillows.) This could cause serious dramz in the girl squad since Selena’s BFF Taylor Swift also loves making cookies with Gigi Hadid (Zayn’s current flame). Is anyone else exhausted? Or angry that I’m killing your brain cells with all of this nonsense?

I’ll leave you with this, it’s shocking T Swift hasn’t commented with some passive aggressive quote in Selena’s defense, but she’s probably mad that “Sad. All love.” is overtaking her own “I’d like to be excluded from this narrative.” Personally, I’m calling for a Biebs/Yeezus duet called “F Your Squad Goals.”

Bachelor in Paradise is a gift to us all, and as a way to keep it as the gift that keeps on giving, here’s a recap (with truly epic gifs) to bring together BIP fans and Josh Murray haters.

Josh, It’s Not Okay

While Evan and Amanda were sitting in a tree (doing anything but k-i-s-s-i-n-g, despite Evan’s efforts), Josh made love to a pizza in between naps and moaning. Seriously, I almost watched this episode on mute at the risk of throwing up my perfectly delicious sushi.

“Don’t cry. Eat DiGiorno” – Josh comforting Amanda after Evan hit on her

And then it was back to making out.

And sweating.

However, the drama for Mr. Moaning Myrtle did not stop there. Both Evan and Nick continued to talk to Amanda about Andi Dorfman’s book: It’s Not Okay, and in the battle of Nick vs Josh, I’m team Andi because if there’s anyone who made me consider buying those dumb hair-strengthening gummies, it’s Bachelorette 10 herself.

“I love you girl, but I’ve got to get back to the bar.” – Lace (who gives me serious Malia Obama dancing at Lollapalooza vibes this episode) giving Amanda advice about trusting Josh

If only there was a copy of It’s Not Okay in Paradise (I was hoping Jorge would be reading it behind the bar), so Amanda could see Josh is already proving everything Andi accused him of. Homeboy is controlling AF, but claims “God knows the truth.” (Am I the only one who is thrilled there are celebrity memoirs in Heaven?)

“Live, laugh, love. Everything happens for a reason. Did you know life was like a box of chocolates?” – Josh

“There’s an ocean of words, but no thoughts.” – Evan

These two should team up and write greeting cards for Hallmark.

After the fighting, Amanda gave her rose to Josh and he went back to his true love: food.

You Can Go Shave Your Back Now

While Daniel does not have any serious romantic interests in Paradise, his bromance with Vinny is getting a lot of screen time. Does anything say bros like drinking water out of someone’s bellybutton?

Perhaps shaving his back?

However, the major highlight of this episode was when Daniel almost got strung by a bee and declared,”A bee tried to impregnate my chin.” Now I know Daniel is Canadian, but  I’ve seen every episode of Degrassi twice and this is not a thing.

Evan Can’t Hang

After Evan’s pickup line “As a dad, I know all about tell-all memoirs from Bachelor Nation” didn’t work on Amanda, he set his sights back on Carly.

At first, our favorite cruise ship singer still wasn’t into our favorite erectile dysfunction specialist…

And then Evan drank too much and managed to get Carly in his bed. The Paradise EMTs (tbh it’s unclear if they were real doctors) wanted to check on Mr. ED and the duo left for their romantic ambulance ride. Now that I know Evan’s idea of a date is going to the hospital, I know everything I need to know about Evan.

“I’m back on the Evan train… even though I’m kind of terrified that he is going to drive it off a bridge because he might not be totally stable.” – Carly

Miss Pantene

Enter Caila, who’s hair is so big because it’s full of secrets about Ben H. But seriously, is her hair that amazing or after a week in Paradise does everyone else’s hair just look like shit?

Her other best quality? She brings out the Mean Girls side of Twin 1 and Twin 2.

“Emily is just as pretty as Caila. Emily is just as smart as Caila. People totally like Emily just as much as they like Caila. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what Paradise is about. We should totally just *stab* Caila!” – Emily

“How do you spell Orange?” – Haley

The stepsisters lost their battle to Cinderella and were left with the lizard that probably helped Paradise’s resident Disney Princess get ready.

The Fantastic Four

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it until the finale, if Lace and Grant are the most functional couple, you know you have a problem. Grant, Lace, Izzy and Vinny headed to a foam party and it was unclear for a moment if America was watching the Bachelor or Jersey Shore. #Grace. #Vizzy. #Ratchet.

Then someone poured a pitcher of water on Izzy when Vinny was going to take a body shot off of her (#classy) and became my personal hero.

Kardashley

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. NOOOOOOO.” –  These are the only words that Ashley I managed to say in between her tears for the entire hour

“Why are you so obsessed with me? Go out with Daniel, because everybody knows that you’re lying that you’re sexing me.” – Jared (Mariah Carey should seriously consider reshooting the Obsessed music video with Jared)

I can honestly say I would rather be taken away by tribal men instead of listening to Daniel talk about his Canadian bacon.

“I love that Ashley wears her heart on her sleeve, but she’s a virgin who can’t drive.” – Caila

“I should have listened when people said nice guys finish last.” – Jared

Jen, Who?

I’m so glad the twins found a talent. Maybe they should host After Paradise.

I have a hard time believing these are the only crabs in Bachelor Nation.

“Jen is going to make her mark in Paradise.” – Caila “Nah.” – Bach producers who showed 30 seconds of her date with Nick

And just when you think it’s over, Guardians of the Galaxy Director James Gunn fangirls over the twins on After Paradise and Daniel is accused of being an alien. Sorry unREAL, but even you can’t make this ish up.